I wish that there was someone reading this… maybe there is, who knows? But I feel alone… I feel scared… I feel unworthy of the love I have… I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to spend time with me? I’ve made so many mistakes and sins… I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR INTO THE VOID!! WHY DOESN’T ANYONE GET IT?! WHY CAN’T I JUST DIE?! WHY AM I MIRACULOUSLY SAVED AT THE LAST MOMENT?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??!!
I’m afraid of the “What if’s” if that makes sense. BUT I JUST DON’T GET IT! WHY AM I AFRAID?! WHY DO I MAKE STORIES AND SCENARIOS IN MY HEAD THAT ONLY HURT ME?!
WHAT EVEN LIES BEFORE AND AFTER DEATH???? WILL ANYONE PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU, PLEASE, JUST TELL ME AT LEAST A THEORY????
WHAT’S EVEN SO BAD ABOUT SUICIDE?! YOU GET TO DISCOVER A WHOLE NEW WORLD FOR FUCK’S SAKE! LIKE REALLY?? AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE SAD BECAUSE YOU WANT TO DIE?! WHY?? WHY WHY WHY… why…
I… I just… I just want to escape… into the void… into that new world. What’s so bad about that? About suicide? Oh, yeah right… you make your family sad. But what about you? What will happen to you when/if you live in a world where you don’t feel at home? And you’re scared… and alone… and… and… AND… AND JUST SO FUCKING DONE WITH IT!!
A WORLD WHERE YOU DON’T BELONG, A WORLD YOU’RE DONE WITH, A WORLD WHERE IT IS SAD JUST TO EXIST.
A world where you weren’t meant to even exist…
And before you ask me to call the suicide hotline or go to a therapist, I already did. And they haven’t helped me AT ALL! NOT ONE BIT!! SO WHAT’S THE POINT?! I FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WRITING IN THIS JOURNAL AND TALKING TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE ABOUT THIS. NOT SOME RANDOM PERSON WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
I have been in this struggle for years… and NOT ONCE, NOT A SINGLE TIME WAS I ABLE TO COME UP WITH A THEORY ABOUT DEATH! IS IT THE END OF ALL FATES? IS IT GOD? IS IT HELL FOR ALL? WHAT EVEN IS/ISN’T A SOUL???? I DON’T GET IT!!!! DOES IT EVEN HAVE A FUNCTION? IS IT EVEN REAL?
WILL ANYONE JUST ANSWER MY QUESTIONS?!?!?!!
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