While I may not have found the way to self-forgiveness, everyone keeps cheering me on… I don’t understand why. I WANT to forgive myself, but CAN’T.
Today I have discussed my fears with my grandma. She said that God will protect me and that I will find my way. My way to forgiveness.
I don’t know why such a being as God would forgive me. And I’m scared… I’m scared that once I die, He will send me to hell without hesitation.
I have done many terrible things, as I have said in my previous posts. One of which included me hitting my parents while I was in a tantrum…. multiple times…
I am so sick and tired of… of… of myself…
I hate myself just like many others with depression.
I don’t see what anyone sees special in me. Why would they love me…? Why…
What is it that sets me apart from others? What is it that makes my problems more valid? In my eyes… the problems I have are nothing more than pebbles.
I try to be a good person, I try to do good things… so that maybe… just maybe… one day I’ll be able to forgive myself…
I don’t want to die… I just want the pain to be over… I just… want to love myself…
I never wanted to die… I just wanted the pain to be over… I’m sure some of you reading will understand.
I’m sorry… Mom… Dad… Grandma… Kio… I’m sorry for being such a failure…
I want to be a better person… I truly do… but how? How can I be a better person when I have done so many horrible things…?
I DON’T WANT TO DIE… I want… I want to live…
Why am I such a failure…? And why do others say that it’s only me who sees myself that way?
Why do others love me…? Why do they bother…? WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER…?!
I… am lost… I don’t know where to go next… is there even a place to go after this horrible feeling? Kio has succeded in recovering from depression, maybe not fully, but he still has. Which means there HAS to be a way, right…? But then again, why do I feel so alone?
Every word of encouragement, their love, compassion, empathy… it all feels… hollow…
As if all the life has been sucked out of them…
No… I am hollow. The life has been sucked out of ME, not them… I am the one to blame…
Why should I even try…? It’s not like it’s gonna change anything
If anyone is going through the same things I am going through, please know that you’re not alone. We need to pick each other up when one of us falls, for if we don’t, then who will?
Thank you for listening to my story… I appreciate it.
=Luca
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